Why?
by Sindavagorien
Summary: Just something I wrote for an original story, but couldn't find a place to put it. Jack has a secret and his lover wants to know why? Does elude to self harm. If that is your thing please don't read.


Authors note: Hey! It's me again. As always please read and review. Thanks, Sindavagorien.

Why?

What happens to me is beyond your control. This is just my way of dealing with what is going on in my life. Once in a while I can do without leaving my self a reminder, I can find an other activity to occupy my wind with. I've learned to live with what I have become and what I do to my self. My heart is broken by my actions. I have hurt my self for far too long to just quit because someone wants me too. They don't understand that what I do is very difficult, for me at least, to quit what I do just as quickly as it began. My heart cannot take anymore of this torment. Instead of showing how much I hurt on the inside to people through my emotions I found another way to deal with the pain of this torture. I know that you probably don't understand why I do what I do, but I'm not asking you to understand this but to accept it. To accept me for me not for my actions; my actions may say a lot about me but I can't deal with it if you hate me for something that I do and not for who I am on the inside. If you were to hate me for something that I do to my self I wouldn't be able to live with my self if you hated me for that, I would die if I had to live without you as my friend, my companion. My life would be worthless without you. Without you my life would be empty, a pathetic sliver of what it used to be. Having to live without you would be like living a half-life. My life would disintegrate from what it used to be into a very low form of my former self. My life is but a very pathetic version of my former, happier life.

You look at me and think, "How can you have a problem, you're perfect, you get good grades, you don't do drugs or drink. So why would you have a problem? You're a straight A student." I know what you think I should be like but I'm not really like what everyone thinks. I'm not perfect, yes I get good grades, no I don't do drugs or drink, but I do have a addiction of a different kind. You can't see it unless I wear short sleeve shirts, shorts, anything that you would wear in the summer, then you might be able to see evidence of my addiction. Most of the people that see evidence of my addiction say that it will eventually destroy me, but I don't care if it does it helps me deal with my pain. I don't look like I would have an addiction, but I do. It's very addicting to do what I do.

How long have I been doing this to you might ask. If you must know I have been doing this, to my self, for many years. Why or what caused you to start doing this to yourself? It started when my parents were badgering me about school and why my grades weren't as good as they should be. What were you thinking when you first did this? It's hard to explain what I was thinking. A lot of people think that I don't show my emotions well, but on the contrary I believe that I show my emotions very well. Though it may not be the way others show their emotions I still show them. I enjoy showing pain in unconventional ways but then again you may not approve of the way I show it. You may disapprove of the way my emotions show but you can do something to help me. You can help me by understanding what I do, I do to help me control my emotions and the way I feel. It keeps my emotions from bottling up inside of me. It lets them out so that I can feel "happy" in a way. It keeps them in check. I hate showing both sides of me it makes me feel vulnerable and weak if I show me emotions normally. I like being able to show them but not like you show them.

I must admit that I like having you as a friend, my best friend. You are my confidant, my lover. I know how hard it is for you to understand my actions. I know you care for me, but all I ask for is for you to accept me, support and love me. I don't need criticism from you, just love and support. I thank you for caring so deeply for me. I know you never thought that I would do this to my self and that you never thought that I had been doing this to my self all this time.


End file.
